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Brian…Seven years. It’s been seven years…
I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing the stories my mind wants to tell me…
sometimes to comfort me, sometimes to defend me and ALWAYS to protect me…
But often my stories are not necessarily true.
On this date every year my mind tells me that, “This shouldn’t have happened. Brian should not have been lost to such a preventable tragedy. It’s not right. It’s too much.”
These are painful stories. And perhaps it’s human nature to believe them…understandable to believe them…
and recognized as true by many.
The pain of missing Brian says these stories are true…
I miss his physical presence so much!
It’s truly indescribable.
But are these stories really true for me?
How can I really know what should or shouldn’t have happened?
My mind isn’t all knowing…
And perhaps these repetitive stories are just adding pain on top of pain.
What if, when my mind tells me these stories, I could question them?
What if I could choose a different story I’m telling myself?
Today, I seek a more peaceful story.
One that tells me to trust that somehow all is well.
One that tells me that Brian IS well. I am well. My family is well…
One that says there is more going on here on than meets the human eye.
One that says there is profound meaning in all of it.
One that says the pain of this loss has actually opened me up to a deeper, more expanded, compassionate human.
That it’s shaping me into who I really am.
That it’s taught and still teaching me to cherish life and to aspire to live my life more authentically.
To bring more of me to my life!
To have the courage to live fully and dare to dream..big even…
To live fully while I’m here…
to stop living fearfully…of failure…of more loss.
Honestly…it’s taught me that if what happened to Brian could happen to our family then anything is possible.
Anything really is possible.
Anything IS possible.
If anything really is possible then perhaps I should do my best to create the best damn life I can…
Fully, intentionally with love…
for myself…for my family…for others…
for Brian…
in honor of Brian…and his incredible gift to me…
Thank you son…
I love you..with every beat of my heart…Always,
Mom