5 Tools That Have Helped Me With Grief Over the Holidays

Grief. Now there’s an emotion that we’d all like to avoid, especially during the holidays.

But, with Thanksgiving and Christmas fast approaching, the swell of grief feels especially significant now and yet it’s so common to feel grief intensify this time of year.

We’ve never really been taught how to cope with loss in our culture.

Most of us just try to let time fix it for us. We hope that time alone will dull the pain we feel. We really don’t know where to look for grief recovery and relief.

We often put a smile on our faces in an effort to mask the tears that we’re trying to hold back.

Since losing my twenty four year old son, Brian and then my mom and dad (all within a year) I’ve been on a mission to bring those who suffer silently in grief out of those isolating shadows and into a space of compassion and understanding.

No one should grieve alone.

As I was thinking about how I could best support myself and others this holiday season, it occurred to me that many of the things that I was pondering were things that anyone could benefit from regardless of their circumstances.

However, if you’ve experienced a profound loss this year, in recent years or ever really, here are a few suggestions that could be especially helpful if you’re feeling the weight of loss this holiday season.

1. Anticipate and be Aware.

Expect to feel the absence of the person you lost.

It may sound obvious, but if you don’t consciously acknowledge or expect it, it may hit you when you are least prepared for it.

Christmas decorations or special foods may trigger memories that you hadn’t anticipated.

So try to think ahead.

Scale Down. Skip any decorations that you just don’t feel up to dealing with. You don’t have to put up a tree this year or pull out the garland.

Everyone is different but for me, putting up a huge tree and unpacking ornaments that held such special memories was just too much that first year.

Instead, perhaps opt for a small, simply lit tree or no tree at all this year.

Get out of town. Or have Thanksgiving or Christmas somewhere else.

We spent the first Thanksgiving after losing our son at a lovely cottage that belonged to our niece on a lake in upstate New York.

We knew it would be different and it was, but it was also soothing and helpful to step out of our regular Thanksgiving tradition.

We spent Christmas that year at our daughter’s in Chicago, so not putting up a tree didn’t even feel weird really since we were out of town anyway.

Let yourself feel the loss. Let the waves come and then ride them.

Waves of grief swell, peak and then recede.

Be willing to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

There may be many waves and the break between them may be temporary, but they will recede!

2. Do something nice for someone else.

Participate in your church or a community angel tree program.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Perform random acts of kindness.

When the waves or grief recede, or even in between waves, find a way to give to someone else.

Giving to others will help you to step out of your own story and give you a sense of purpose.

If a commitment feels too daunting, simply engaging in random acts of kindness will get you out of your own head and help you to feel connected and positive.

3. Do something nice for yourself.

Take a walk in nature. Research shows that spending time in nature can be uplifting and healing.

Work out. Get a workout in to release endorphins and improve your mood.

Take a soothing bath. Just relax.

Get a massage.

Eat good, nutritious food

Nap

Ask for help or schedule time with a grief counselor.

You get the picture. Whether it’s a massage, a manicure, or a walk, do something nice for yourself.

Grief is hard work and exhausting so try to take care of yourself.

4. Give someone else what you think you need.

A phone call. Call someone and check in on them.

If you wish that someone would call and check in on you, think of someone you know who might be struggling or could use a kind word and call them. Check in on them.

A hug. Sometimes just a warm hug can be such a comfort. So find someone who could use a hug and hug them!

A text. Reach out and connect with someone. A little connection can go along way for both of you!

What would happen if you gave someone what you would like to receive?

You might actually find that you are giving it to yourself as well!!

5. Remember the reason for the season.

Have faith that God (however you perceive God) is working on your behalf.

Trust that things will get better.

Believe that God is holding you in his hands.

In closing, remember that if this holiday season feels rough, ALL holidays won’t feel this way.

They really, truly won’t. Give yourself time.

Things will get better.

These are moments in time. These are not ALL moments.

And finally, breathe. Just breathe your way through the holidays…

There is no wrong way to grieve.

Wishing you the gift of peace and light this holiday season.

With lots of love,

Mary

How about you? How will you prepare for the holidays this year?

(Written by Mary Wuerdeman

Copyright ©2018 Mary Wuerdeman. All rights reserved.)